


for love.

by beekeepercas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Declarations Of Love, Eventual Happy Ending, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Mild Language, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Supernatural (TV) Spoilers, Supernatural 15x18 spoilers, basically a rewrite of the confession from cas' pov then the aftermath and dean grieving, but there will be a happy end, just not in chapter 1, mentions/descriptions of dissociation, the violence isnt rly that bad its more just dean raging, they arent that bad its very brief and not very detailed, this is really fucking sad just a warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:07:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27518881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beekeepercas/pseuds/beekeepercas
Summary: The sound of Billie’s fist pounding against the door rings in Castiel’s ears. They’re running out of time. They both know it. Panic floods his veins as he frantically tries to think of a way to protect Dean.Dean. I have to save Dean.[in other words, a drabble/short fic that involves a rewrite of the confession scene, primarily from castiels perspective, followed by the aftermath and dean grieving and trying to cope. there will eventually be an happy ending, pls bear with me i swear itll be worth it. sorry i havent updated school has eaten me alive. i still plan to finish this eventually, but i have no idea when i'll get around to it]
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 31





	for love.

**Author's Note:**

> tags should include all warnings, pls let me know if i need to tag anything else !!
> 
> this is the first time ive written in probably a year or more, as well as the most ive written in longer than i can even remember. feedback is greatly appreciated, just pls be gentle because i am rusty <3
> 
> if you read this while the notes formatting was still fucked up no you didnt . im so sorry im still relearning ao3 formatting

The sound of Billie’s fist pounding against the door rings in Castiel’s ears. They’re running out of time. They both know it. Panic floods his veins as he frantically tries to think of a way to protect Dean. 

_Dean. I have to save Dean._

“Wait, there is-” he stammered, momentarily unsure of himself. “There is one thing she’s afraid of. There’s- there’s one thing strong enough to stop her.” Castiel turns to Dean, watching as his expression turns to that of confusion. “When Jack was dying, I- I made a deal to save him.”

“You what?” Dean’s face fell, disbelief in his voice. He felt his stomach drop. A cold and sinister feeling of dread began to grow in him, icy tendrils of anxiety sinking their way into his chest. 

“The- the price was my life.” Castiel’s resolve seems to strengthen as he starts to let out this deeply buried secret. He pushes on, more confident in his words. “When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever.”

“Why are you telling me this now?” There’s a split second of silence before Dean responds. Cas can see his emotions painted clearly on his face, watching as Dean pieces together what Cas is saying; realizes what he’s alluding to. The pair of emerald eyes Castiel is so familiar with darken with fear.

“I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be, what- what my true happiness could even look like.” A stinging sensation begins to bite at the back of Castiel’s eyes, he feels tears about to form. Something warm and painful blossoms behind his ribs and Castiel knows. This is the right thing, the only thing he can do. “I never found an answer.” He glances down, averting his eyes for a brief moment, almost as if it would diminish the feeling of Dean staring at him so intensely, as if it would ease the pain. “Because the one thing I want… it’s something I know I can’t have.” 

Heart heavy, the angel pushes on. “But I think I know- I think I know now. Happiness isn’t in the… having. It’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.” Hot tears pool in his eyes, threatening to spill over. As he speaks, Castiel feels a new sense of acceptance. Love. That feeling behind his ribs - love - it grows and fills him. It drowns out his qualms, reminds him that _this is right_. 

“What are you talking about, man?” Dean asks incredulously. Castiel takes a step closer.

“I know… I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You’re destructive and you’re angry and you’re broken. You’re- you’re ‘Daddy’s Blunt Instrument,’ and you think that hate and anger, that’s- that’s what drives you. That’s who you are.” Those words feel like a stab to the heart for both men. Dean hurts because it’s true, it’s one of the few things he’s ever fully accepted; Castiel hurts because he himself knows the extent to which Dean truly believes those things. “It’s not. And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done - the good and the bad - you have done for love.” he insists firmly. 

Tears roll down his cheeks, unrelenting. Countless memories of the times they’ve spent together over the years flash through Castiel’s brain, imbuing him with a sense of urgency. Dean’s throat feels tight as he tries to swallow down the growing dread. Castiel continues, fervently. “You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world, for love. That is who you are.”

“You’re the most caring man on earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know.” Dean scrambles to connect the dots, struggling to process these words.

“You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell… knowing you has changed me.” Castiel breathes shakily, the sharp sound permeating the room, harsh on their ears. Reminiscing, Cas is slowly filled with a strange and foreign sense of peace - contentment, almost. Sure, the pain of knowing his one and only love may not reciprocate his feelings was searing through his heart and burning his throat, but none of it matters because he’s right here, right now. He’s with Dean, finally allowing himself to be truthful. Castiel smiles sorrowfully through his tears. Dean swallows thickly.

Every moment adding up to this was something Castiel would never trade, not for anything. Rebelling, falling to Earth, feeling - it was all for one man; Dean Winchester. He has never felt such strong, pure love, adoration, and devotion for a being before. Dean has taught him so much, shown him so much. He helped shape Cas into the person he is now. Showed Castiel what it means to be human, the value that can be found within humanity.

“Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam,” his voice breaks. “I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you.” Castiel feels nothing but his complete endearment, his tenderness for Dean. Castiel scoffs faintly and shakes his head. “You changed me, Dean.”

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” Dean questions quietly, voice thick with anguish. 

“Because it is.” Castiel responds softly. His heart twists. The angel looks at Dean, eyes raking over his face, trying to take in every detail possible and sear it into his brain in hopes of never forgetting the human who he cares for so deeply. Never forgetting those striking green eyes, the freckles dappled along his cheeks and skin. The slight crow’s feet he’s developed over the years, his short cropped dark blonde hair, the flannels he always wears. Everything that makes Dean Winchester who he is.

“I love you.” 

Joy and relief crashes over Castiel like a tidal wave. Dean finally knows. Dean is loved. _Dean is loved._ Castiel can go easily, no regrets. Things will be okay. Sam will be alright, Dean will be alright, Jack will be alright. They won’t have to worry about the looming threat of Billie. 

“Don’t do this, Cas…” Dean weakly protests, shaking his head subtly. Castiel gazes at him fondly, blue eyes brimming with emotion. The sentiment is brief, yet full of a million unspoken words and feelings. It conveys the words Dean wishes to say, but is incapable of as precious seconds tick away. Beneath those words are Dean’s pleas for Cas to stay. They seem to say _don’t leave me, Cas, not like this. Not now. I need you. I love you. We can figure this out together. I can’t lose you again._

A gurgling sounds from behind Dean, and he turns, eyes fighting back tears, to get a glimpse of the entity about to take away his best friend. Viscous black void materializes and oozes towards Castiel with malice. Billie breaks through the door with a loud smash, causing Dean to snap back towards Cas with trepidation. Dean’s blood runs cold and his insides seem to contort and writhe; his breathing quickens. This can’t be real. Everything is happening too fast. What’s going on? Why can’t he stop it?

“Cas,” he begins, trying to say something, anything to let Castiel know his feelings are reciprocated. 

_I love you._

Dean tries to say it back, but the words won’t come. Trying to speak feels like trying to swallow broken glass, and all he manages is a mangled breath. 

Castiel steps forward, right hand outstretched towards Dean’s left shoulder, unsettlingly collected. 

“Goodbye, Dean.” 

He grips Dean by the shoulders and looks him pointedly in the eyes before shoving him aggressively to the side. Pain radiates through Dean’s shoulder where he collides against the unforgiving stone wall and floor. Their eyes meet one final time, both filled with tears and emotion, unspoken words and lost moments. Castiel inhales deeply, steeling himself for the inevitable. He’s smiling, eyes closed, and has a serene look of bittersweet happiness on his face. As if Billie and the Empty weren’t there, about to drag him away to his grave. Billie approaches before she notices the Empty reaching out with its dark undulating mass, and she is the first to go.

Castiel doesn’t allow himself to spare another glance at Dean. He knows if he does he could ruin it all; second guess everything and try to go back, endangering Sam, Dean and Jack. His heart clenches in desolation, the loss already agonizing, but despite it all, he faces the Empty and looks at it welcomingly. He has felt true happiness now. Pure, unadulterated love. Castiel clutches on to that sensation and knows it’s time to let go.

Dean watches on in horror, breath catching in his throat. He can’t breathe. He can’t lose Cas, not again. Everything in his body is screaming at him to move, to yell, to do something, but he finds himself frozen in place. A seed of guilt sprouts in the back of his mind. _Not again._

Cold black ribbons of nothingness coil around the angel’s frame. It feels like it’s freezing him through to the bones. Where the material makes contact with his body, he feels intense static. Almost like a limb falling asleep, but amplified, concentrated. The substance starts enveloping Castiel. He feels suffocated, yet empty; blank and numb. Sensations fade away. Cas closes his eyes and pictures Dean on the backs of his eyelids. He distantly hears Dean gasp and thinks if he could still feel his limbs, he probably would have clenched his fists tightly. 

Everything is slipping away. Castiel desperately tries to spend his last seconds thinking of Dean, but every moment that passes makes consciousness and existing harder. He grasps at memories and images, hoping to see his love’s face one more time; hear his laugh and the timbre of his voice, remember the feeling of his calloused hands under his, but it’s fuzzy. It’s all too fuzzy. He can’t see, and he can’t feel. Everything is fading, too soon, too fast.

_Dean._

He just wanted more time.

_Dean..._

* * *

Crumpled on the ground, Dean sits with his eyes wide and tears clouding his sight. When did he start shaking? He looks down at his hands and sees them trembling, but they feel distant. Those don’t look like his hands. His gaze darts around the room, instinctively assessing for any potential danger. Green eyes pass over the space the Empty emerged from and linger on the space where Castiel stood just moments before. Dean can’t find it in himself to move. His breathing is uneven and he feels uncomfortably vulnerable. 

Those words play on a loop in Dean’s head. He clings to them, trying to commit them to memory. Everything feels dull and unreal. Dean leans back against the wall in defeat and stares across the room unseeingly. He has his elbows propped on his knees and his hands sit limply in front of him. Regret and guilt saturate his thoughts.

_I did this._

How could he let this happen? Time is running out, and he ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time, again. Chuck has presumably wiped out everyone else, and he left Sam and Jack alone. And Cas, he failed Cas _again_. Had to watch the love of his life die again. He got Cas dead again.

_I killed Cas._

Images of himself standing motionless, watching Cas get torn away flash in Dean’s mind. A flame of anger and hatred flickers to life somewhere within him, only to be drowned out once more by grief. Cas loved him. Cas. After everything Dean had done, Cas still loved him. Dean struggles with the concept, not understanding how - or why - Castiel would settle for him. 

Precious moments spent with his angel are all Dean can see when he closes his eyes. They haunt him, serve as a reminder of every failure that led him here. Intimate looks shared and hugs that feel like home, movies watched together and monsters killed. They contrast against visions of his loss; Cas, bloodied and beaten, Cas’ body engulfed in flames upon a funeral pyre, Cas crying with joy as he sacrifices himself for Dean, Cas being devoured by the Empty. These thoughts torment him, berate him for simply being.

_Damnit._

A deep, uneven sigh slips out of Dean. Realization slowly sinks in and his dread grows stronger, pools in the pit of his stomach. He let Cas go. Without saying anything. Castiel will never know he’s loved. Dean failed him in every sense of the word. His heart aches with something awful as he spirals further into his despondency. Quietly, a vibration radiating from Dean’s pocket pulls him from his mourning. Reaching an unsteady hand into his pocket, he slips out his cell to glance at the screen. Its caller ID reads Sammy.

_Sammy._

He can’t bring himself to answer. It’s too much. Telling Sam and Jack how he’s failed them, failed the world once again, they don’t deserve that. How is he supposed to tell them he lost Cas too? Saying it makes it real. Dean, mind warped with distress, thinks of this and decides he can’t do it. Not yet, not now. He lets the cellphone slip from his grasp and fall to the hard ground with a thud. 

A silent sob claws its way out of Dean. Tears have begun to fall thickly and his chest constricts. Dean lets his head fall, cradling it in his hands. He cries freely and quietly, emotion racking his body. Silence fills the room, disrupted only by Dean’s anguish, so intense it’s almost palpable.

_I failed them._

_I failed Cas._

Rage and hatred and despair and misery swirl together within Dean like dark storm clouds before a thunderstorm. He sits there and keens. He weeps until he has no more tears to shed, until his eyes burn and his hands are damp with tears. He sheds bitter tears until he can no longer tolerate sitting stationary and gets up to vent the feelings building up inside. Never before has he cried so much. His anger overflows and he takes it out in one of the few ways he knows how. 

Dean’s foot collides with the chair in the middle of the room, kicking the unforgiving metal legs hard enough to create a resounding clank. He thinks of his hatred for Chuck, for this unforgiving planet and this cruel universe, hatred for all the orchestrated events in his life, every fabricated moment, hatred for the lack of free will everyone he knows has endured. Fists punch the wall until his knuckles are bloody and raw. He thinks of how he killed Cas, how he’s killed everyone he’s loved, how he seems to fail every single person he cares about. Self-hatred is not a new feeling to Dean; it’s familiar, like a long-lost childhood friend. Some days it’s what he feels he’s made of. He rips objects off of the shelves in the room, hurling them down haphazardly. He yells. Yells at the universe, at Chuck, at himself, at the Empty, at Cas. By the time he’s let all his anger out, his voice is hoarse.

When he’s done, Dean finds himself back in the spot he sat before. Humility washes over him upon seeing the wreckage of his rage, but the feeling fades away as quickly as it came. Gaze locked on the spot Castiel stood, Dean laments. He did this. He got Cas dead. That thought returns to the front of his mind time and time again. He has to bring him back -, has to find a way. Dean tries to picture the future, should the rest of those alive survive long enough to see a future, but without Cas, nothing feels right. 

“Cas, I’m so sorry. I-” he falters, trying to find the right words. “I should’ve stopped you. I should’ve said something, or- or done something. I’m sorry, Cas.” Dean continues, running a hand over his face. He inhales methodically and lets out a deep, trembling exhale to steady his voice. Everything feels wrong. This wasn’t supposed to happen, it wasn’t supposed to end like this. “I love you, I really do. I’m sorry that I couldn’t say it ‘til now.” Dean won’t let it end like this.

“I’ll find a way to bring you back, Cas. I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY FOR TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES WITH NOTES PLS IGNORE IT IM SO EMBARRASSED   
> thank you to those who actually took the time to read this, it means a ton to me. i had this idea in my head the second i watched the confession scene and let me tell u, it has not left my mind for a fucking week now the confession scene is literally the only thing on my brain these days its so so bad my hellering knows no bounds.  
> id like to give a huge thanks to my friend ian for betaing this, you have been my last bit of sanity, i swear. i owe u. i also want to thank the superhell gc and some numerous other mutuals for hyping me up and giving me the motivation to finish this nd get it uploaded today. i probably wouldve scrapped this if i didnt have ur guys feedback. love u all  
> if you wanna chat with me about deancas or spn, feel free to send me a message on discord at hellerism#0006, or join the spn discord thats owned by the same person who helped me beta this fic (discord.gg/6eQYeYP) !!!


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